Artrocker Blogs

  1. Welcome to my World »

    Beards, Guns and Portaloos

    Filed in Welcome to my World at 14.47pm on 12 August 14

    Pushing back the foliage I caught sight of the searchlights glinting on the polished shotgun shouldered by a large, bearded man. Slowly, he turned to survey the ground around him and the bushes beyond, the bushes I crouched in. The area had been cut back to provide a clear fire zone between the bushes and the forest, any fugitive crossing this area would be cut down in seconds with a combination of shotgun and machine gun fire from the observation posts set high on stilts. I sat back and thought through my next move.

    Somehow I had to cross this grass if I ever hoped to achieve my goal, but how? The bearded man had by now completed his 360 degree surveillance and was now walking slowly towards my hiding place, the shotgun rising to his shoulder as he walked. As the barrel poked into the bush I struck, one hand pulling the barrel and guard forward, the other smashing upwards into his jaw. Senseless he crumpled into the gorse as I whipped his gun away and brought it smartly down against the back of his head. That was easy, now for the hard bit.

    Grabbing my toilet roll, I made a desperate dash for the tree line, beyond which lay the only decent toilets on the whole festival site. Bullets zinged from every direction as I bobbed and weaved, thudding into the dry earth, ricocheting from the rocks, and somehow I came through untouched, diving into the forest at last, bladder bursting, bowels in uproar, the pristine toilet block at last coming into view.

    It had been worth it. Slamming the door of the first cubicle I came to behind me I pulled down my lower garments and descended on to the seat. Bliss! It had been worth it. Now I could enjoy the rest of the festival in comfort. All I had to do now was to re-cross that patch of land without being shot and the rest would be plain sailing.

    And then it started to rain.

  2. Welcome to my World »

    Artrocker Now 69p For iPhone and iPad, Get New Issue Now!

    Filed in Welcome to my World at 11.54am on 07 April 14



    There's a lot to tell you about so do pay attention. First, we have remade / remodelled the magazine for all you iPhone users, so now it works brilliantly for iPad and iPhone. Designing a magazine that works on a phone is a challenge, but with new and larger fonts and a simple layout we think we've pulled it off in spectacular fashion. And at a limited period offer of 69p we reckon you can afford to have a look and make up your own mind. And you'll get the next one, due in a couple of weeks, for nowt. There's even a 6 month subscription for £2.99. I mean to say, come on, we're virtually giving it away. Read, watch and listen to the latest Artrocker Magazine here.

    And we've been busy planning our festival coverage for this year, and boy are there a lot of festivals. So many in fact tat we've created a stand alone website just for festivals. It's called FestivalMate and, as the name implies, it is designed to be your Festival Mate. Pop along and have a look, and while you're there click the follow button, you'll get all the latest festival info straight to your inbox including updates, news and ticket competitions. We have also created a festival app called...FestivalMate that links to the site and feeds to your mobile device when you're at a festival. It's all jolly clever and does everything but roll the biftas. More on this soon.

    In the immediate future we'll be at The Great Escape (, Liverpool Sound City and our own New Blood Festival Summer Sessions ( kicking off June 10 at The Hoxton Bar and Kitchen, and we can now proudly announce the addition of Artrocker faves Young Kato as headliners on the 12th. More announcements to come, temporarily embargoed. I recommend you get tickets now (

    In The New Issue of Artrocker Magazine

    This month’s cover features a video interview with Lola Colt who experienced a bit of trouble en route to meet Tom. Artrocker also caught up with Shopping at the Hoxton Bar and Kitchen while Bleech and Stats join Tom in his car for a chat.
    The hottest up-and-coming bands included in this month’s New Blood are as follows; Cassels, Hot Models, The Hyena Kill, Two Weeks Running, Vienna Ditto, Record/Start, The Montagues, …And The Hangnails, Boss Caine, Bull, Le Petite Mort, Carnabells, Youth Man, Ordinary Noise, iC1s, Young Kato and Rufus.
    Contemporary artist, Stuart Semple, may have had his name in the news recently but Artrocker shows readers what his art actually looks like.
    As per usual this magazine has extensive reviews of this month’s most exciting release while, The Voluntary Butler Scheme’s new release, A Million Ways to Make Gold, has been dubbed Artrocker’s album of the month.
    Artrocker Radio is back this month, playing tracks by God Damn, Vodun, Kill the Captains and more.
    Buy here

  3. Welcome to my World »

    Tom’s Blog - I Blame Whiskas

    Filed in Welcome to my World at 14.04pm on 31 March 14


    I have long been confused by the proliferation of Edwardian beards among the young men of today. Where did it all begin? And it came to me with a shock over the weekend - it's all Whiskas fault. How can I be sure? Well, so rare was it in 2005 or thereabouts for facial hair to be worn that Sam Nicholls soon became Whiskas. Folks would travel miles to wonder at his growth - a member of an Indie band with a beard? Crazy.
    Now beards are everywhere and I assume he now refers to himself as The Original Whiskas.

    I'm not sure what he's up to now - still running DTTR, I presume. The big question is this - now that the beard is ubiquitous has Whiskas shaved it off?

    Please let us know, send us a recent photo if you've spotted him about.

    Sam 'Whiskas' Nicholls, we salute your beard. The original and the best.

    Tom Artrocker

  4. Welcome to my World »

    TOM’S BLOG: Blank Landscape

    Filed in Welcome to my World at 15.53pm on 15 November 13

    Typing this and watching the sky. Today we are expecting a storm of biblical proportions, not seen since the days of Noah or, somewhat more prosaically, the 80s when trees were uprooted and hurled thousands of miles into space where they float to this day, in orbit, like an interstellar lumber yard. If, on a cloudless night you gaze upwards, somewhere between Orion's Belt and Pegasus' eardrum you can just see the starlight reflecting from the branch system of the seven oaks that gave Sevenoaks its name. Their orbit is decaying of course (that's orbits for you, always decaying) so NASA can confidently predict their re entry on the 14th of August 2015. It is widely believed that after 30 years of flying around in the vacuum of space the trees may well be dead, but scientists are keen to retrieve them just in case.
    Will this storm be anything like that? Possibly, which is why I've taken the precaution of cutting down all of my trees and storing them in the cellar. That way I know they're safe. Also stored in my cellar pre storm are; the cat, grandma,
    A blond Roma child, several millionaire French footballers, Andrew Mitchell, an honest cop (I've saved a place, but I'm still looking for one), Ed Ball's grin and the economic recovery. They'll be safe there, I've lined the walls with energy bills and Scottish devolution leaflets, both impervious to water, fire and logic - nothing will get through them.
    For myself, as soon as I finish tippy tapping I'll ask a neighbour to pop around to help tie me into an armchair I've attached to the national debt which, as we all know, ain't going nowhere.
    I defy you storm, do your worse, crack your cheeks and all that, we will stand firm in the face of natural disaster, laugh in the face of surging seas and chuckle as cars fly past the window.
    Bring it on nature, you wonderful, destructive thingy.
    And you can do the same, just download my app, 'God is a pussy' and you too will be able to snear at the elements and treat the cosmos as your plaything. £599 from all good app stores.

    Tom Artrocker

  5. Welcome to my World »

    WELCOME TO MY WORLD: Tom’s Blog - Sept 2013

    Filed in Welcome to my World at 8.00am on 01 October 13


    Welcome To My World

    Well, I actually managed to get a five day holiday this summer, and bloody marvellous it was too. Trolled down to North Devon to commune with waves, birds, trees and the local brew. Amazing. But I wouldn't want to live there, in fact the young lady who ran the farm we stayed on was originally from London and had moved there in search of the good life - she hadn't found it, miserable and lonely she admitted the whole thing had been a ghastly mistake. As we stood in a leafy lane, the sun filtering through, a cow mooing in the distance, I once more found myself repeating those two old sores; the grass is always greener and be careful what you wish for. Could I ever trade the hectic hurly-burly of Brixton for beautiful, but empty, vistas? This is the danger of holidays, and the reason I take them so rarely, last time it was The Norfolk Broads, so of course I came back full of plans to buy a boat, only to ditch them when I realised it wouldn't fit in my living room.
    Devon is unquestionably beautiful, but dig a little deeper, visit some of the non-coastal towns and you find distressing levels of poverty, much worse than the urban equivalent, largely because these folks are stuck in the middle of nowhere. And just like London, the poverty lives side by side with incredible wealth. Such is capitalism I guess.

    I was glad to get back, I felt wrong there, another London interloper looking to raid the countryside for all it could give and leaving nothing but a few quid spent in local shops and a deep and abiding sense of guilt.

    And the realisation that town and country are as far apart as ever.

    But I did have a new Gary Numan album to listen to. So that's nice.

    Tom Artrocker

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