Glastonbury 2009: the highs & lows

Missed Glasto? Publicly been expressing how you wished you'd been there for those magical moments? But secretly wish it was a pile of crap and that you didn't really miss out on anything?

Then this is your column! Let Artrocker.TV count you down the highs and lows of this year's intergalactic farmfest....



Eddie Argos takes the piss out of Kings of Leon on stage, by singing;
"My sex is on fire! My sex is on fire!"



JAMIE CALLUM performs a smooth jazz rendition of 'Thriller', grinning toothily along like an utter swine.



DEAD WEATHER prove they're not just Jack White's wing of the Church of Scientology
by being weirdly horny and hyperactive.



After inhaling the toxic gas rising up from the bogs, your corespondent is riddled with a mysterious gammy eye infection, leading to blindness, drowsiness, and eventually death. Ok maybe not death.



THE HORRORS simulate extreme dope paranoia while singer Faris behaves like a teenager who's SO PISSED OFF WITH EVERYTHING WHICH IS SO UNFAIR! - and unleashes flames from his nostrils.



EAST 17 attracting thousands of fans. Then somehow our bomb refusing to detonate. Damn the green / red wire thing!



EMMY THE GREAT prevails with her simple, Elvis like chord progressions and confessional epics.



LADY GA GA shows her bazookas from behind a see-through plastic dress. Randy teenagers weep with pleasure.



METRONOMY bring on the slinky falsettos and spaceman costumes to attract a yoofish crowd and drive 'em bonkers.



Rumour has it Jeff Goldblum has also died, after a macabre accident on a film set. It is a fiendish lie.



THE KLAXONS coming on as Tim Burton characters Edward Scissorhands and Beetlejuice.
Pee Wee Herman curiously missing in action.