The Chap Q&A

Tom: Hello The Chap, long time no see, all my fault I'm afraid, I can only apologise, my work as a secret agent has kept me rather busy lately. Make my job easier for me, do you have any State Secrets you could pass on?

Ah! Where did you come from? What is this? Why are you wearing that giant chicken outfit?

Tom: Excellent! Now then, please introduce yourselves to MI5, who are you and what do you do in the band?

It's my role to answer terrible questions to promote our new record. Could I please get a glass of water? Anyway, Berit plays keyboards and sings and makes her own outfits sometimes (currently from material with cats on it) ; Claire plays keyboards and sings and wears excellent bought clothes ; Johannes plays guitar, cello and other stuff and sings and occasionally wears a tasteless tie; Keith, rarely seen without one of his great tasteless t - shirts, plays drums, sings, drives the van, makes sure everyone gets up in time to play yet another show in yet another miserable underground bunker; Panos plays bass, guitar, violin and other stuff and sings and wears perfectly tight shorts onstage.

Tom: Are you members of an extremist cell? If so, what is your ultimate aim?

We are the only members of an extremist cell. The only reason we are perceived as extremist lies in the overwhelming mediocrity of almost every pop culture product today. We are rather moderate people, really. We just don't look cool and we're not , like, twelve, so that makes us freaks/extremists in the eyes of the pop world.

Tom: Is revolution preferable to evolution?

They're both revolting. How about that water?



Tom: Would you be willing to enter a coalition with Lady GaGa?

Of course. She has the looks, we have the brains, together we could make a real difference.

Tom: Your new album is due in May - does it have a central message for the people?

You don't have to be free to live here, but it helps!

Tom: Was it recorded in a cave in Afghanistan? If so, were there any tall geezers with beards about going by the name of Osama?

The only beardy guy is called Keith and he plays drum drives etc (see above). And he swears he's never met Usama. For an MI5 agent, you are tragically unprepared. It says very clearly on our album sleeve: recorded in Europe. Do your homework. Or quit your job and go into music journalism. You'll go far there.

Tom: When your revolution arrives will you be chasing bankers down Park Lane with dripping knives?

No, we would strip them of all their assets, cook them a very nice dinner and get some advice on how to best bet our new wealth on weak economies defaulting. After that, we'll send them off to an island where they will become farmers and learn to make a valid contribution to society. The world's school children will be taken on regular trips to that island in order to learn about banking.

Tom: You seem to have a thing about the word 'rectum' - is it a secret code-word designed to inflame the passions of the Chap horde?

You are no doubt referring to our hilariously subversive bastardisation of band names and song titles, as can be found on our website. Some of us are very passionate about various rectal functions. There are a few words not used enough in pop music. Rectum is only the first one we have revealed. More will follow.

Tom: Do you have a message for Artrockers everywhere?

We'll see to your rectum.

Tom: That's the lot for now, sorry about the bright light shining in your eyes, it's all part of our sophisticated interrogation techniques. You can stop standing on one leg facing the wall with a big on your heads now, we've run your answers through The Pentagon and you're clean.
But don't think for one minute we won't be watching you - we will - always!


Get to the bottom of The Chap's rectum here: www.thechap.org