View from a Record Store #6

Record shops really are the one last place on earth which are truely universal. Everyone listens to music. If you don't the chances are that you are not human. In which case you are most likely a lizard in human form, and preparing for the alien invasion. As a consequence I get what can only be described as 'characters' in my beloved abode. I think its fair to say that if I was a customer I would almost certainly be described as a 'character'.

I am not a drug dealer
Bloke in a shell suit, carrying a can of Tyskie extra strength beer comes in. It's 10:30am. He walks over to the dance section and stares opened mouthed at the CDs. He does this for 5 minutes. It seems like an eternity.
"Got any tapepacks mate?" he asks.
"No, sorry sir I haven't."

Back to silent staring. A sly look passes between us...

"What about some Ketamine mate?"
"Erm, no."
"Oh go on mate, give me a taste and I'll sort you out."
"Sir, I'm not a drug dealer, as I feel that selling drugs over the counter in a record shop is likely to result in me going to prison."
"Oh go on mate, you're a record shop, all record shop sell drugs."

This is news to me, if only I had known this 20 years ago.

"Sir, I am not selling you Ketamine."
"Why not, is it cause you need it for yourself? I don't need much, go on sort me out."

This goes on for about 10 more minutes, and concludes with him trying to persuade me to give him my dealers number as he needs a load, you know, for some mates.
I was not getting through.

How drunk are you?
Him: "You got any Public Broadcasting Service?"
Me: "Yes I have, and it's bloody good."
"Great, I'll take a copy."
"Excellent..." ....rustle rustle rustle… "...that'll be £8."
"My uncle's a top bloke, salt of the earth."
"Really, that’s nice sir."
"Yeah I would do anything for him you know."
"That's great."
"You taking the piss?"
"No sir."
"Can you buy karma?"
"Not sure sir."
"You got any in?"
"Do you mean records on the Karma Sutra Label sir, or do you mean the Eastern belief in balance in nature?"
"Nature mate nature.... so you got any in?"
"No sir, I've run out. Can I ask, how drunk are you today?"
"Well I have had a few, but no more than 8."
"Excellent, have a good day sir."

This chap comes in every Friday at 5 past 5, slaughtered. I see him town all week, sober, and he never acknowledges me.

Rep to Shop
These conversations normally go something like this: [a rep being the agent which sells music to a shop]
“Do you want any of the new 'shall remain nameless' album?” asks the rep
“Not sure, what’s it like? Could I get a promo?”
“Yeah, it's good, very Radiohead, I'll send you a link” the rep replies, but I sense hesitation.
“Cool, but I hate Radiohead.”
“Yeah so do I” (the truth will come out)
“So is this any good then?” I press.
“No, it sounds like Radiohead and is hence, a load of arse”
“So should I bother ordering it?”
“Nah, total shit.”
“Brilliant.”
“Your Radiohead fans might like it?”
“So has it got Thom Yorke being an arrogant cock on it then?”
“No”
“So let’s not bother. What’s next?”

For what its worth this is one of the best reps I've had.

But I do also need to mention Mike form SRD. Mike spent 6 months trying to persuade me to take some drum'n'bass compilations, try to convince me that I would sell them. He offered me a bonkers deal, so convinced was he that they would sell. I was convinced of the opposite, but the deal was a no brainer. Very annoyingly I sold the lot, in about 3 days. This is a what a good rep does.