Artrocker.TV @ Glastonbury: Full Review

FRIDAY

Day one begins like many days at this year's Glastonbury: by being roasted like a hog. The tents are gradually microwaved in the sun, creating death trips in the mind until you are forced to escape, drooling and gibbering.

And so escape we do, down to Bombay Bicycle Club at the John Peel tent. To be acoustic or not to be acoustic is the question they face, and "not to be" is quite naturally the answer. 'Dust on the Ground' gets the packed out tent united in a wave of bliss, and geared up for Kele who's up next.

The Bloc Party frontman is not missing his band. In fact, one of the first things he says is "I'd like to take a minute to introduce my new band!", before grinning and sky-punching his way through 'Tenderoni' - which, to be frank, sounds awsum.

Round the corner on the Other Stage, Florence arrives in a white fairy outfit to screams of hysteria from both six year old girls and frazzled old men. She uses a wand to zap the crowd, commanding waves of applause. Naturally, she's pitch perfect and a wee bit moving - despite all the pixie schtick.

The Mystery Jets are competing with Dizzee - and mop their brows when they see that people have actually turned up to watch 'em. The perfecto pop of 'Dreaming of Another World' makes for the feel-good hit of the festie.

Round the corner meanwhile, Dizzee is using different tactics to move the masses: OGGI OGGI OGGI!" he shouts to a general "OI OI OI!" response. The man has millions of people dancing like utter tits - and it looks fantastic.

Finishing up, Black Keys are still one of the few bands that makes heartbreak sound like a good idea, while The Flaming Lips have quite naturally got a giant centipede on stage with them.

SATURDAY

Starting on the John Peel Stage again, Let's Buy Happiness are not pleased with the amount of people sitting down. "Everyone's got legs - use them!" they ask to a general murmured response. Still, their twinkly indie-pop with obvious Florence comparisons is decent enough.

If this morning's set by Two Door Cinema Club is anything to go by, they'll be headlining soon enough: 'Come Back Home' sounds like stadium artrock. Is that a contradiction in terms? Er... probably.

Cymbals Eat Guitars have an admirably throaty singer, but their slow-building indie anthems are a bit of a slog today. Better are The Strange Boys - who sound like an indie band from the Old West. They let the good times roll with a pleasurably lazy set, which includes recent single 'Be Brave'.

Looking and sounding utterly beautiful, Cate Le Bon has me in the palm of her hand. Mournful folk songs like 'Heading for the Black' sound a bit like Nico, except y'know, if Nico sang in tune.

Following Cate on the Queens Head Stage are Blood Red Shoes - who are in the mood for cheekiness. "This bouncer's name is Steve, and it's his birthday!" they say, pointing into the pit. "He asked us to celebrate by inviting as many of you as possible to INVADE THE STAGE!" Naturally, madness ensues.

Have you ever heard a hardcore band soundcheck? It goes a bit like this: "Check. Check. CHEYARRRKK!". This is Pulled Apart By Horses, who are about to give the most adrenalin gland busting set of the festival.

First they climb the speaker stack. Then they climb the scaffolding. Then they climb onto the audience! And all the while songs like 'I Punched A Lion In The Throat' sound terrifyingly good. Look, there's curator Huw Stephens nodding his head and grinning! I agree with that man.

I finish Saturday by watching The XX, although when I say "watching", I mean "listening to" of course - you'd need night vision goggles to actually be able to see the bastards. It's an emotionally sensitive performance despite the few thousand people watching them - and you know what? They suit 'big'.

SUNDAY

It's morning again, and the funky falsettos and ice cold beats of Everything Everything are just what you need to accompany your bacon bap munching. The atmosphere is one of innocent dreams and teenage dreams - but not for long!

At first the morbid, 17th century funeral horns of These New Puritans seem at odds with the lobster-skinned sunshine kids in the crowd. However, Jack's passion - along with a show stopping 'Close The Door' - elevate things to greatness.

The lazy acoustic pop of Patch William chills out the BBC Introducing Stage, then it's off to the football to watch England play like a bunch of pampered pussies.

Thankfully, We Are Scientists manage to perk things up a bit on the Other Stage, with their strangely Hendrix-like anthemia. "On a scale of eurgh to aargh what is your filth level?" they ask. "EUURGH!" comes the answer from the thousands.

They might look like a wobbly old bunch, but Gang Of Four make the crowd go bananas with 'I Love A Man In Uniform'. Singer Jon King has undone all the buttons on his shirt and is staring the crowd out with crazed eyeballs. Business as usual then?

MGMT have revolted against the hipsters by becoming a fey '60s pop group. It sounds OK too, although 'Time to Pretend' feels like it's been remixed by Belle and Sebastian. There is polite applause for these American geeks.

Back at BBC Introducing, and the question of whether Chew Lips are hot or not is on our minds. The eventual verdict is 'hot'. We've gotta keep moving though, because rumour has it Julian Casablancas will be bringing The Strokes on stage with him. Quick - to the Peel Stage!

Naturally, the rumours turn out to be utter pants - but I'm pretty sure that's Fab joining him on stage for 'Hard To Explain' amongst the perfectly enjoyable solo material. "Aren't you guys music'd out yet?" he asks. "I guess not!"

The very phrase 'OMG' may as well have been invented for Crystal Castles' set, since everyone in the crowd looks like they're thinking 'OMG OMG OMG'. This is because Alice is surfing over them and posing like Joan of Arc, as the other one - y'know, the hairy one - reinvents techno before our eyes.