Welcome to my World
Trombones and Tantrums
Filed in Welcome to my World by Tom Artrocker at 9.11am on 21 May 12Artrockers,
I have bought myself a trombone. It's a beauty, with a little key to switch between B flat and F. It's not my first trombone, it is, in fact, my third. My first was at school, a Boosey and Hawkes student job in a big rectangular case that banged against my juvenile shins, and when it snowed I used the case as a sled. I didn't have a lot of respect for that particular instrument as I blamed it for taking up all the spare time I had, a physical youth, I had to choose between the school orchestra and being in the school football team as they both met on Saturday mornings. I chose the orchestra, but I still remember weeping copiously in a practice room as the head of PE had a furious row with the head of music in the corridor immediately outside. I was upset because I was the cause of a very unpleasant row between the two men I had most respect for.
When I progressed to The West Bromwich Youth Orchestra I traded in my Boosey for a lovely silver job. I left school to do my A levels at college and bumped into a drummer, Harbans Singh, who was into the funk and specifically 'accents man'. He played with a few bands around Birmingham and one night I was invited down to The Jog 'O' Punch to 'sit in' with Zodiac, who were a pretty standard pub band who'd been convinced by Harbans to Include the Dr John classic Walk On Gilded Splinters, which I seem to recall was In A. My naive pooping and parping led me to supply brass to any number of Birmingham bands, banging out Cut The Cake and Cymande covers to working men's clubs and Caribbean centres, one of which refused to let us play because I was white.
When I moved down to London the silver 'bone came too, making appearances with any number of South London post-punk combos including my own bands ...and The Native Hipsters and Design For Living. It was during my time with the latter that I developed the very bad habit of throwing the 'bone high in the air and catching it before it hit the floor, very impressive. Then came the fateful night at The ICA, during one of their legendary Mike Hink promoted rock weeks, we were supporting The Birthday Party. The amazing stage set and the throbbing crowd got too much for me, I threw the 'bone in the air and then simply walked away. Down it came and crumpled, the slide, the bit that matters, bent to hell. No amount of gaffer tape would revive it, it was dead.
And that was it for me and trombones 'til this week, when my new baby arrived. And when I put it to my lips guess what? I could still play it, it all came back to me.
I could never play football again, too old, but I can still play the fiddly bit in Pick Up The Pieces.
There's a lesson there for us all. When I work out what it is I'll let you know.
Tom ArtrockerRock As Racing
Filed in Welcome to my World at 14.43pm on 20 March 12Artrockers,
We've had a hectic week here at Artrocker, putting the last touches to the new magazine. It's the second in our occasional series of 'Heavy' issues, this time featuring Pulled About By Horses alongside a galaxy of big riff merchants. It's on the shelves next week, the 22nd to be precise, so I'll tell you more about it in the next mailout.
The madness of the last few days has caught up with me, I seem to have woken up with a cold or something, just in time for the weekend of course, so it looks like I'll be spending it flat out on my bed watching the Australian Grand Prix. I'm a big fan of motor-sport, always have been, my favourites being the touring cars, lots of action on the track and lots of it afterwards thanks to Jason Plato. F1's great, but the last few seasons of Red Bull dominance have left it somewhat predictable - if there isn't a real challenge this season I may not bother in the future.
Mind you, last season's Canadian GP was the most exciting sporting event I've ever seen, truly incredible stuff from Mr Button.
But when it comes to the rockn'roll of motor-sport, loud, flash, explosive action, style and cool we have to look Stateside. The real razamataz is in drag racing and Nascar, big, bold, bright, pointless fun.
Here's a table:
F1 = Coldplay
Touring Cars = Oasis
Nascar = Black Eyed Peas
Drag Racing = US Punk (blink and you miss it)
Is there anything more rock'n'roll than cars?
I think not.
Tom ArtrockerFlying Factories
Filed in Welcome to my World at 13.01pm on 09 March 12Artrockers,
Sorry if I'm talking too loud, but it seems that I'm living within half a mile of a jet engine testing centre where they roar the engines to maximum every minute from about 5am 'til 1am every day, I go to sleep to the sound (with a pillow over my head) and it greets me each morning as the sun is thinking about another day. It's beginning to drive me nuts - who allowed a jet engine testing centre to be built in Brixton? Are they crazy? This is central London for heaven's sake, surely there's some empty wasteland somewhere where they can make that noise?
Of course there isn't a jet engine testing centre in Brixton, but there might as well be, in fact there might as well be a massive steel factory that flies over our heads every minute all day long, because that's what it's like living under a Heathrow flight-path.
If you accept (I don't) the argument that endless flights of returning holiday makers to and through London is essential to the economy, it still begs the question: Why fly those planes across the most heavily populated city in Europe? Did 9/11 teach us nothing? If one of those babies (here comes another one) falls from the sky (it happens)
onto Brixton or any other part of the city the carnage would be appalling. Would it be beyond the wit of man to have these planes fly over the countryside that surrounds London? Or would that add 5 minutes to the flight time of those very important folks returning from Ibiza? Heaven forbid.
And if it's this bad in Brixton imagine what it's like living nearer to Heathrow. I'm pretty sure that if I lived in Richmond I'd have bought myself a little Surface To Air missile by now and taken one of those babies out.
In the meantime I turn the radio up and resign myself to losing my TV picture every time a factory flies above me. And I wonder why it is that we allow these things to be done to us and conclude, once again, that the things that really affect our day to day lives, like road planning and flight-paths are beyond our control or even participation, it's just another thing they do to us, whether we like it or not.
I don't like it, I'm sick of it, I'd like night's sleep for once. Pass me the SAM.
Tom ArtrockerVegetarian Meat
Filed in Welcome to my World by Tom Artrocker at 14.45pm on 05 March 12Artrockers,
I've been a non-meat eater for over 30 years, I don't call myself a 'vegetarian' as it makes me sound like I'm a member of some sort of secret society or something, I simply don't eat meat - end of. I'd always been a rampant flesh consumer, the only thing that could stop me was love - I fell in love with a vegan, a vegan who didn't look after herself particularly well, the daily meal tended to be baked beans eaten cold, straight from the tin. So I proposed a compromise, let's meet half way, I became a non-meat eater and she took up eggs and dairy products. I surprised myself by how easily I adapted to the new diet, farting notwithstanding, but there hasn't been a day since that I haven't fantasised about pork chops and steak and kidney pie.
But I never gave in to temptation and now I find the idea of raising animals to slaughter and eat abhorrent.
So, many years later, I've overcome the farting problem and settled into a world of nuts and pulses, when along comes meat grown from stem cells. We can expect products on the market in a few years.
Where does that leave non-meat eaters like myself? Can we legitimately eat this product since no animal has been harmed in its production? I'm not sure, but PETA is apparently, they've offered a prize of $1m for the first proven invitro meat.
I'm stuck on the horns of a dillema; should I eat this 'grown' meat? Since there's no nervous system involved, and therefore no pain can I go back to meat? Should I, like PETA, applaud this possible solution to mass animal slaughter?
I'm really not sure, how about you?
Tom ArtrockerLuddite to Geek
Filed in Welcome to my World at 12.44pm on 29 February 12Artrockers,
Once I was a pioneer, I owned one of the first Macs and spent many hours playing Kid Pics on it, this was before the internet. I owned one of the first analogue phones, and when the web arrived I was a member of one of the first bands to make their music available as mp3s (pre- iTunes natch). And then I lost interest. I'm proud to say I'm the only person I know who doesn't own a mobile phone, so you can actually have a conversation with me and I'll take notice of what you're saying because I won't be constantly tip-tapping on my toy.
I decided to stand back from the digital revolution and let other people worry about it - you want me to send you a pdf of the jpeg of the blah-de-blah? Sure thing, I'll have my assistant send them right over because, personally, I don't know what the hell you're on about.
But since I don't have an assistant the pdf of the jpeg of the blah-de-blah never got sent and my refusal to play the game meant I was slipping further and further into the luddite puddle.
So I gave up my resistance late last year, got hold of some lovely Olympus goodies (the LS-3 PCM recorder, the LS-20M video recorder and an Olympus Pen camera) and set about bridging my technology gap - I now know what a jpeg is and how to blah-de-blah it.
And them I made a very big decision, I bought an iPad. And it's like Kid Pics all over again, sitting up far too late playing with the apps. I am reborn as a geek.
Of course there's a very big Artrocker reason for my buying it, we'll be announcing something very soon, but in the meantime I can't leave it alone for five minutes.
I'm back in the game, Technology Tom.
But I still won't buy a mobile phone.
Tom Artrocker
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