Cuts For The Biz

Artrockers,
Today I can announce to the house where we need to make cuts in order to make good the massive debt left to us by the past stupidity of the music business.

Firstly, having cravenly handed over the crown jewels to a failing computer company who pay royalty rates comparable to starvation wages and further allowing them to create a real monopoly, we suggest that, in the interests of competition, this company be restricted to the manufacturing of slick and unreliable trinkets for people who have nothing better to spend their money on. This will entail job cuts, any record company executive who thought that this was a good idea will be shown the door.

Not content with this madness, it was decided that giving music away for virtually nothing was a good idea and that agreeing to royalty rates even more derisory than those paid by the failing computer company would solve all the problems. We were assured that this would be a service restricted to PCs, but now you can get it on your phone. This must stop. It is madness.

We will revive the stumbling Live scene by ammending the smoking ban and allowing human beings to actually make their own decisions about their own lives. This will result in jobs cuts in the w**ker sector.

We will monitor with interest the trend for music publications to offer their in-house production services, just in case this is 'paying for coverage' (surely not) which would signal the end of an independent music press. Should these suspicions be confirmed there will be job-cuts. And we will be looking out for the next step along this dodgy road, music publications creating their own PR companies so that they can PR product to their own journalists. You have been warned.

We will make it difficult for 'gap-year-rockers' to ponce about being in a pretend band 'til they go into daddy's legal business by the simple expedient of cutting their fingers off. There will be digit loss.

The PRS-MCPS Alliance will make the system of royalty collection and payment simple, straightforward and reliable, rather than wrapping the system in coils of mystery and accountant speak that, should you follow them, lead nowhere. There will DEFINITELY be job cuts.

We are well aware that none of the above will actually save the industry, but we do believe it would make us feel a lot better about it all, and at least we could toast our marshmallows on the ensuing bonfire of the idiots.

Tom Artrocker