How to avoid Swine Flu

Anybody out there planning a weekend getwaway to Mexico? Thought not. If the cocaine gangs don't get you the pigs will (see what I did there? Pig swill? Oh forget it). Mind you, the cocaine gangs in my hometown Brixton aren't exactly cuddly, but at least they don't come at you with pig's bladders and bacon sandwiches. Interesting to note that during the Spanish Inquisition (which included Spanish owned Mexico) persons supected of being of the Jewish persuasion were made to prove their christianity by eating bacon sandwiches - history does not record whether they were offered ketchup bit I think we can assume that they were, after all, what's a bacon sarnie without a dollop of the red stuff? Stretch 'em on the rack, pull their fingernails out...no, the horror of the inquisition can be reduced to a bacon sandwich, which kind of puts it all into perpective doesn't it? ('Too much fucking perspective'). And to bring this all up to date, I couldn't help laughing recently when an angry mob turned on some anti-war protesters at a homecoming parade for squaddies returning form Iraq ('that's funny is it Tom? You've certainly got a wierd sense of humour') and expressed their anger by throwing packets of bacon at them - not shooting them, stringing them up or setting fire to their beards, no, throwing packets of bacon. That's funny and, if such a concept exists, typically British.

But I digress. It looks very much like the World Health Organisation will declare a global pandemic any minute now - but what does that mean? Will all flights cease? Will public buildings, pubs, clubs and venues be closed? Will Arsenal win the second leg? We just don't know, but in the meantime here are some tips for avoiding the plague; 1. Don't snog Mexicans 2. Don't snog pigs 3. Don't snog 4. Fill your mouth and nostrils with charcoal (makes a great filter) and 5. Call for The Magnificent Seven.

And remember, coughs and sneezes spread diseases - if you see a sneezing pig or a runny nosed Mexican for God's sake give them a hanky.

This has been a public health service announcement on behalf of Artrocker Magazine.