Tom Artrocker considers the qualities of morning radio...
What do you listen to in the morning? When the alarm goes off, which radio station do you tune to? Do you like a bit of Indie for breakfast (6 Music, Xfm)? Or maybe you prefer to wake up to the endlessly depressing news stories (Radio 4, 5Live) which, when you listen a little closer aren't really news stories at all. Rather, that headline that said: 'We're all dying from eating too much butter' is revealed as: 'The Society For The Banning of Butter today announced a poll that reveals that they were right all along'. It's news because The Society For Banning Butter have employed a PR who has a mate on The Today show. Or maybe you prefer comfy chat and inane humour, in which case you're already tuned to Radio 2, any of the local BBC stations or commercial radio. Perhaps you like a belly laugh with the first cuppa of the day (Radio7)? Personally, the last thing I need as my eyes emerge from their snug retreat is humour, I like a laugh as much as the next misanthrope, but not in the morning. And the same goes for music, of any form. What I like first thing in the morning is to be driven to the point of explosion by 'news' on 4 or 5. I can think of no better device for making me leap from my bed than having my ear chewed by a 'spokesperson' for a particular pressure group at 7am. And if that doesn't work Thought For The Day trots along before 8 - I only have to hear: 'On a recent visit to Vietnam I found myself thinking, as I gazed across The Mekon Delta, that Jesus would have used margarine' and I'm in the bathroom looking for the toilet roll (there isn't any, it's in the downstairs toilet - always check before committing the buttocks or you'll end up using the boss' make-up removing cotton wool discs, resulting in an annoyed boss when it's make-up removal time and there are no discs left and, inevitably, a fluffy butt).
Hell, maybe you like a bit of Radio 3 at sparrow's fart, in which case you are a teacher and live in Cheltenham.
This is important stuff, making the wrong radio choice at the start of the day can put a serious crease in your mood for the next 12 hours. As of tomorrow morning I'll be avoiding any news from Australia until I've had breakfast and a gasper, this morning I blithely turned the radio only to be regaled with a tale of tail-end woe. I could certainly do without that first thing in the morning, anything but that. Now, where's the butter?