The Sartorial Festival Goer

Artrockers,

Having just come across the first ‘what to wear at festivals’ article of the year, I thought I might impart a little wisdom on the subject. Now, the feature in question broke it down into; the bag, the shoes and the rest and, as you might have concluded, contains no advice for men. Let me put that right. And let me begin with the highly contentious issue of shorts, my advice is NO – NEVER – NOT EVEN FOR A LAUGH. But if you have to expose the lower limbs (you really don’t you know) then whatever you do don’t go for those three quarter length horrors which lead all right thinking males to assume that the wife does your clothes shopping. Apart from the fact that all shorts are a sartorial nightmare it is important to bear in mind that at some point it’ll all get too much for you, the drugs will wear off and you and your mates will settle down in front of the camp fire as the sun comes up and fall into a post – raving slumber. As the sun reaches its midday peak you’ll all wake up to discover that the aforementioned orb has burned the flesh from your legs thanks to the shorts that seemed like a good idea at the time. From here on in your leg covering of choice is calamine lotion, a lovely pink.
And just because you’re in a field there’s no excuse for running around in a t-shirt, grown men don’t wear t-shirts anymore, I mean, when was the last time you saw Jarvis in a t-shirt? Never? Leave them to the under 5s, it’s just a vest after all, and vests should be worn beneath a shirt.

Which leaves bags and shoes. Thankfully I don’t need to warn you about sneakers, I mean, nobody wears sneakers anymore, not when there’s a good Tricker’s brogue in the shops. Wellington boots are a must have but if you where them with shorts expect much derision. Bags? Well you’ll need somewhere to keep the calamine so I suppose you must have one, my preference is for a Tesco’s bag but Sainsbury’s will do just as well.

Tom Artrocker